travel-sometime1
22 Feb 2022
Disclaimer: I am not sure which company or boat we were on, but I reckon they are all the same anyway, given that sellers communicate eagerly, the ships all leave at the same time, and take the same route. With that in mind, this was without a doubt the worst experience I could have in Istanbul.
1.) The prices are easily negotiable. A vendor near the Galata Bridge offered us a price of 60€ w/ alcohol, and 50€ without. A brochure we picked up claimed 40€/50€. Further talks with the vendor dropped the price down to 30€/40€, and, upon talking to our hotel staff, the price was brought down to 30€/35€ with a table front and center. Do not pay the full price without asking, and do not expect this to be where the money is made. That comes later.
2.) The taxi service from the hotel to the ship was good and on-time, but the van that picks up passengers does not wait for a single minute. If you are late, your money is gone. No refunds.
3.) The food on offer isn't bad. The appetizer dish is copious amounts of ordinary sliced bread with traditional Turkish tasters, including cheese, cream, perhaps hummus and couscous. (I do not know their names, nor can I say for certain what these spoonfuls of tasters were, in fact.) The main dish we got was chicken or fish with fries, or spaghetti in tomato sauce. Sweets are available, but are 5€ apiece. Naturally, the pieces are small. You do not come on this cruise for food.
4.) The event is supposed to be 150-180 minutes of Turkish entertainment, with the program mentioning traditional Turkish dances, belly dancers and driving over the Bosphorus to the Asian side. The actual event begins with painfully loud speakers shortly after boarding and after everyone's orders have been taken. At least an hour of the paying customers entertaining each other ensues, under the pretense of global friendship, executed by calling out each table's nationality to the dance floor. You can arrange for your table to be skipped if you do not wish to make a fool of yourself. This whole charade is noted *nowhere* in the promotional material. Halfway through it, I left the table to stand outside by the toilets, as the speakers were too loud to the point of pain, and noticeable but thankfully only temporary hearing loss in my right ear. Most guests didn't seem to mind this, although whoever came out was speaking noticeably louder than necessary. I was perpetually joined by one lady who continued on a video call for the next two hours or so, who didn't mind the cold February night in the middle of the Bosphorus strait.
The Turkish dancers do eventually arrive, but their routine is short and not very well coordinated. Some female dancers seemed to be making it up as they went. The belly dancer was a scantily clad girl who would collect tips into her pants and bra like a bad entertainer in a cheap adult club. She shoved at least one person's face into her near-nude breasts despite that person showing obvious disinterest. The money she dropped was quickly picked up by other staff, namely the photographers.
The latter are also quick to take pictures of all the tables. They are entertaining to work with and pose for a few laughs round the table, and the snaps aren't half bad, but they are presented to the customer near the end, a few of them packed together in a nice album, but for an outrageous price, I think 40€.
The cruise also doesn't go very far -- The starting point is the Katabas dock, then the boat speeds to the 15 July Martyrs Bridge, just before the Ortakoy dock. The ship then does circles in the same spot for about two hours -- joined by all the other ships that have the same business model -- before finally returning. Nothing is said of the traditions, culture, or history of Istanbul, the Byzantine or Ottoman empires, or modern Turkey as it has existed for the past century.
5.) Whoever tells you this is "the best way to spend an evening in Istanbul" has no taste, or no appreciation for the many centuries of history having unfolded here, or indeed the culture residing here today. It is a cheap thrill that might cost you your hearing, that offers little in return. Most street restaurants offer better food for much cheaper, with much more hospitality, and in a far more authentic setting. Better dances are likely available elsewhere in Istanbul, or indeed free recordings of professionals may be found online. Likewise for the belly dancer, although if you crave the intimate contact she offers (which is evidently above the dancing itself in terms of importance), that can likely be arranged in a more professional and private setting, as well.
The fact anyone thinks of this "tour" as anything more than a fun night out that they could have had literally anywhere else on the planet is saddening. Nothing ties this event to the Bosphorus specifically, and indeed such "cruises" exist worldwide. I was just unlucky enough to take part in one in a city as historically and culturally rich and wonderful as Istanbul.
We went on the cruise Last night, and the food and service was not bad, but if you want to do this cruise to see a show, its not the best option, only people sitting around the small area in the middle of the boat where the dancers perform, can appreciate the performance, tables at the back are all blocked by people standing and watching the performance.